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5 Seconds of Stupidity

No!!! YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT!!”

Dedicating this page to the AH-MAZING crap people spout, probably during their daily 5 Seconds of Stupidity…lmao. What’s the worst thing you’ve ever heard? Feel free to post it in Comments below…

Wole Soyinka: ON Mermaids & “Mammy watas” 

It is perhaps pertinent to remind ourselves that oil is not the only marvel to emerge from the Delta swamps. There are also exotic creatures – mermaids, manatees, even mammy watas and hippopotami.”– July 17th 2013.

Source: http://allafrica.com/stories/201307180516.html?viewall=1

Comment: na wa o, Baba Soy, even you??? Not only is there mermaid but there’s also a separate one called Mammy wata? You don see them b4? 😮 Anyway, I dey propose make you come give us seminar on these topics o, as u sabi dem well well like dis. Abi, u get sometin wey u wan tell us? You follow?

=============

Kiss-and-Tell Politician Femi Spills on Igbos and names past sexual partners

Shortlink: http://wp.me/pPThe-f0

Femi-Fani Kayode: a.k.a “FFK-up! The Fool with a Distinguished-sounding Name” is well-known for putting his foot in his mouth and we all pity his wife. Here’s his latest kiss-and-tell bluster in which he includes names of past women he bedded. If he talks like this outside, one can only imagine what she has to go through on a daily basis. :o FYI, FFK has been married three times. His first marriage was to Saratu “Baby” Atta in 1987 but they were divorced by 1990.[52] They have one daughter, Folake. The second marriage was to Yemisi Olasunbo Adeniji in 1991 but they were divorced by 1995. They have three daughters whose names are Oluwatemitope, Oluwatobiloba and Oluwatuminu. The third marriage was to Regina Patience Amonoo (the name Patience fit am well well!). They were married in 1997 and are still married till today. They have one daughter.

Full Transcript from FFK-up (I suggest he add UP to his acronym ‘cos he’s indeed a F**K-UP): ”Those that call me a tribalist and an igbo-hater are simply misguided and ignorant. Perhaps they do not know the meaning of those words or the true import of their meaning. Those that know me well like you can confirm the fact that I am not a racist or a bigot and that I consider such sentiments as being unworthy of a man of class, good breeding and culture. I am however a firm believer in the propagation of truth and I, like you, appreciate the value and importance of history. Sadly many of our igbo brothers and sisters do not believe in that. History for them consists of only one thing-how other Nigerians have always marginalised them and treated them badly. If only they knew their own history, where they are coming from, what they used to be and where they were 100 years ago and what their forefathers did to the rest of Nigeria over the last 80 years they would know why they have always had such a hard time in this country. Sadly because they dont know any of these things they cannot learn from it. And if they cannot learn from it they will continue to make the same mistakes. That is why they can come to another mans land and territory and call it their own and when we say ”no” they tell us to shut up and call us tribalists. I was not a tribalist when I wrote a tribute to Ojukwu after he died or when I condemned the ’60′s pogroms that took place in the north in which their people were slaughtered like flies. I was not a tribalist when I wrote against Yarima and child marriage in the north. Yet now I am a tribalist because I spoke the truth about our history and who we the yoruba are.

I was not a tribalist when I had a long-standing and intimate relationship with Miss Bianca Onoh, an igbo lady, who later married Colonel Emeka Odumegwu-Ojukwu the leader of Biafra and who is now our Ambassador in Spain. I was not a tribalist when I had a long-standing and intimate relationship with Miss Chioma Anasoh, another igbo lady, who I almost married. I was not a tribalist when I had a long-standing and intimate relationship with Miss Adaobi Uchegbu, another igbo lady, who was exceptionally close to me and who is now a leading figure at the National Headquarters of the ruling PDP.

 bianca    My Photo

Adaobi Uchegbu immediately took to social media in an ill-advised manner and confirmed her relationship with FFK. Then she deleted That damning Post and replaced it with the below, in bad english nonetheless… Naija!

Thank u,all,for your numerous calls of support and encouragement. The key factor in leadership is “restraint in the face of provocation”. Some jobless nigerians,who dont want peace in our country,have been calling me to come out and fight chief femi fani-kayode and all yorubas publicly. But i have one thing to say – “that is not the way i fight”. Besides,i will not entertain you on facebook by abusing people on the social media.
As for those jobless opportunists,i will say this — if u feel u have the energy for another civil war,go and fight. But,count me out of it. This war of words did not start from me. and it will definetly not end by me.
Once more,i am saying a big thank you to all my friends and political associates who stood by me.

adaobi

Get the Lowdown on Chioma Anasoh here..

More Details on Her from Sahara Reporters from March 2009: “Fani is not the first to be ruined by Chioma, who is never tired to boast of her Amaifeke-Orlu heritage. Her betrothed died two weeks into their wedding, when she was only 22, while the second committed suicide. The third guy who tried to marry Chioma was a stockbroker with BGL. Today, he is a jobless wreck. http://saharareporters.com/blog-entry/remember-her-chioma-anasoh-femi-fani-kayode-ffk-tattooed-her-chestand-ruins-super-mistres 

“She began testing her powers in Abuja by confronting Adaobi, who was Fani’s mistress when he resumed as Presidential Assistant. When Adaobi wouldn’t budge, Chioma unleashed her mystic powers and today, Adaobi cannot be said to be sane. A sister of another of Fani’s friend, Loveth, dropped dead a few days after Chioma threatened to harm her if she didn’t stop seeing Fani.
“There is this lawyer called Chioma. The poor girl’s dad died two months after Chioma threatened to kill her family members if she saw him with Fani again. While the deaths may all be unrelated, Chioma never stops maintaining that her cosmic powers can manipulate any human situation,” another source added.

From FFK’s current Wikipedia page: In June 2007 he was reported to have had an affair with one of his former aides, Miss Chioma Anasoh who was arrested by Nigerian customs agents on suspicion of attempting to illegally launder US$240,000 via Abuja airport. Fani-Kayode allegedly arrived at the scene and facilitated her release.[22] Anasoh later denied that her arrest had ever taken place,[23] and also sued the newspaper that alleged that she did so for libel at the Lagos High Court.[11] Fani-Kayode also denied the claim that he went to the airport to facilitate the release of Chioma Anasoh and he also said that she was never caught or arrested at the airport with US$240,000 or any other amount.[24] Fani-Kayode was again arrested on December 2008 by the EFCC and was charged with 47 counts of money laundering.[25][26][27]

We all remember his past exploits including details on Vivian Agbaza  who later became frustrated and attempted to commit suicide. She cut her own arteries with a knife and was rushed to a Hospital in London when she fell into a coma. It was from the hospital that her cousins who were at her bedside pulled a call through to FFK. First they threatened that if anything happened to Vivian he would be held accountable for it. But then later, when Vivian insisted that it is only when she speaks with FFK that she will know that all is well, he was forced to talk soothing words of comfort to her at that time. And he promised her all will be well…and that ended the drama for then. Later, FFK posted a Half-naked picture of the exposed Vivian Agbaza on his Blackberry for all to see that all wasn’t well with the duo. His caption on the picture read…. “Lessons for today- buy fresh pampers for your shitting father and stop trying to teach your elders and betters any life lessons. A pig with lipstick is still a pig.”

FFK’s Transcript continues below…

I was not an tribalist when I wrote essays defending the rights of the igbo and every other Nigerian nationality to exercise their right of self-determination and leave Nigeria if that is what they wanted to do. I was not a tribalist when I consistently wrote that Nigeria must have a Sovereign National Conference where the rights and obligations of all its various nationalities will be clearly defined and agreed upon. I was not a tribalist when I employed more igbo people as a Minister of the Federal Republic than even my own yoruba. I was not a tribalist when I wrote an essay, just two years ago, extolling the virtues of igbo women. I was not a tribalist when I condemned the bombing of predominantly igbo and catholic churches and the killing of the igbo and others by Boko Haram in the north over the last three years. I was not a tribalist when I risked my life by consistently writing against Boko Haram even though I live in the north. I was not a tribalist when I wrote against political sharia. I was not a tribalist when I wrote in defence of the igbo when it came to the abandoned property issue. I could go on and on.These people have very short memories and anyone that does not agree with them all the time or that says one word against them at any point in time is labelled a tribalist for life. They called Chief Obafemi Awolowo a tribalist, a genocidal maniac, a child-killer and an igbo-hater simply because the man refused to join sides with them in the war yet they forgot that when Awolowo ran for the Presidency his running mate was from the east and not from the north. They called Chief Festus Okotie-Eboh, Chief S.L Akintola and Sir Ahmadu Bello as igbo-haters and tribalists simply because they saw through the igbo agenda at a very early stage and they killed them for it. They called General Yakubu Gowon a genocidal maniac, a child-killer, an igbo-hater and a tribalist simply because he stood up to Ojukwu and insisted on keeping Nigeria together and even though he declared that there was ”no victor and no vanquished” after the war. They accused President Olusegun Obasanjo of being a tribalist and an igbo-hater even though he appointed an igbo man as the first GOC in the Nigerian Army since 1966 and even though he appointed more igbos into key positions in his government than any President before him. They accused President Shehu Shagari and the northerners of being tribalists and igbo-haters even though he pardoned Ojukwu and allowed him to return back home after the civil war. They have accused the Nigerian people of being tribalist and igbo-haters simply because we have not had an igbo President since 1966 forgetting that Nigeria was magnamonious in victory and that she not only gladly welcomed them back into the fold after the civil war but that she also gave them the Vice Presidency only ten years later. They have labelled the yoruba as tribalists and igbo-haters simply because we have refused to accept their claims to our land and territory and even though we were more charitable, hospitable, accomodating and generous to them than any other nationality in Nigeria after the civil war. We have been too kind and gentle with them. That is the problem. They see our liberal and accomodating nature as stupidity and weakness. That is why they always like to go around calling the yoruba cowards forgetting that the history of the yoruba proves otherwise. It is now time to tell the truth. They despise the yoruba and they only pretend to believe in one Nigeria as long as they can always have their way and laud it over others. Worst of all they have no restraining factors because money and the acquisition of wealth is their sole objective and purpose in life. Someone ought to tell them that this is not a virtue but a vice. It is a cultural deficiency which is borne out of not having any history. If they did they would be less aggressive, more restrained and far more civil to others. If speaking these bitter home truths and yearning and fighting for a better Nigeria makes me a tribalist then it is a toga that I would be happy to wear. I will not sit by quietly and allow my people, the yoruba people of south western Nigeria, to be rubbished, insulted and cheated by anyone no matter how aggressive that anyone may believe he is. I make or offer no apology for my views. My numerous assertions in my two essays titled ”Lagos, The Igbo and the Servants Of Truth” and ”The Bitter Truth About The Igbo” respectively stand. Meanwhile I have read all sorts of strange submissions in various newspapers and blogs that have held themselves out as rejoinders to my two articles titled “Lagos, The Igbo and the Servants Of Truth” and “The Bitter Truth About The Igbo”. Sadly other than the usual abuse and irreverant thrash not one of those so-called ”rejoinders” has been able to address ANY of the issues that I raised in either of the two articles, answer any of the questions that I posed in them or successfully challenge my presentation of historical facts. The bellicose nature and vulgarity of these so-called rejoinders goes to prove two things. Firstly that those that I have descibed as being collectively unlettered, uncouth, uncultured, unrestrained and crude in all their ways really are all those things and a lot more and secondly that they cannot put up any reasonable or serious arguement to discredit or refute the message so instead they are attempting to destroy the messanger. Meanwhile the two essays have been published in various newspapers in our country and outside and it will continue to be published by others long into the forseeable future. The message is clear and it is already out there. It cannot be called back in. The horse has bolted from the stable and the falcon has left the nest. No matter how hard those that are attempting to intimidate us into silence may try it will not work and we will not be cowed. The message is already out there and the genie is already out of the bottle. Those that seek to continue to denigrate and belittle the yoruba and lay claim to what is rightfully ours should desist from doing so. They should grant us our peace and give us our due respect and they will get the same in return. If they do not do so those things will elude them and eventually history will repeat itself again in this country. Meanwhile when anyone reads a rejoinder that addresses the issues that I raised in my essays and that has some level of scholarship and intellectual content they should please let me know and I may well dignify it with a response. The shameless and emotional thrash and disjointed verbiage that have been described as rejoinders so far are just not up to scratch. They are bereft of any scholarship and intellectual content. They also invoke pity in me for the the faceless plebians that wrote them and those they claim to represent. When the igbo, or anyone else, find a real writer that can cross swords with me and give me a good run for my money someone should please let me know. I am itching for a real debate with a worthy adversary on this issue. Like the great Achilles I feel that I have no match. Are there no Hector’s out there? Sadly it appears that my accusers, traducers, opposers and haters cannot find one. All they have is their hate, their ignorance, their insults and their inbred crudity and vulgarity.

ENJOY!

  • Lawyer: “Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?”
  • Witness: “By death.”
  • Lawyer: “And by whose death was it terminated?”
  • Accused, Defending His Own Case: “Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?”

The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.


  • Lawyer: “What is your date of birth?”
  • Witness: “July 15th.”
  • Lawyer: “What year?”
  • Witness: “Every year.”

  • Lawyer: “Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?”
  • Witness: “There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet.”
  • Lawyer: “Can you identify the rifle?”
  • Witness: “Yes. There was something written on the side of it.”
  • Lawyer: “And what did the writing say?”
  • Witness: “‘Winchester’!”

  • Lawyer: “What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?”
  • Witness: “Gucci sweats and Reeboks.”

  • Lawyer: “Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?”
  • Witness: “No. He was wearing a mask.”
  • Lawyer: “What was he wearing under the mask?”
  • Witness: “Er…his face.”

  • Lawyer: “This myasthenia gravis — does it affect your memory at all?”
  • Witness: “Yes.”
  • Lawyer: “And in what ways does it affect your memory?”
  • Witness: “I forget.”
  • Lawyer: “You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?”

  • Lawyer: “How old is your son, the one living with you?”
  • Witness: “Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.”
  • Lawyer: “How long has he lived with you?”
  • Witness: “Forty-five years.”

  • Lawyer: “What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?”
  • Witness: “He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?'”
  • Lawyer: “And why did that upset you?”
  • Witness: “My name is Susan.”

  • Lawyer: “Sir, what is your IQ?”
  • Witness: “Well, I can see pretty well, I think.”

  • Lawyer: “Did you blow your horn or anything?”
  • Witness: “After the accident?”
  • Lawyer: “Before the accident.”
  • Witness: “Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.”

  • Lawyer: “Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?”
  • Witness: “Yes.”
  • Lawyer: “Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?”
  • Witness: “Yes, sir.”
  • Lawyer: “What did she say?”
  • Witness: “‘What disco am I at?'”

  • Lawyer: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”
  • Witness: “No.”
  • Lawyer: “Did you check for blood pressure?”
  • Witness: “No.”
  • Lawyer: “Did you check for breathing?”
  • Witness: “No.”
  • Lawyer: “So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?”
  • Witness: “No.”
  • Lawyer: “How can you be so sure, Doctor?”
  • Witness: “Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”
  • Lawyer: “But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?”
  • Witness: “Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.”

  • Lawyer: “How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?”

  • Lawyer: “And you check your radar unit frequently?”
  • Officer: “Yes, I do.”
  • Lawyer: “And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?”
  • Officer: “Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly.”

  • Lawyer: “What happened then?”
  • Witness: “He told me, he says, ‘I have to kill you because you can identify me.'”
  • Lawyer: “Did he kill you?”
  • Witness: “No.”

  • Lawyer: “Now sir, I’m sure you are an intelligent and honest man–“
  • Witness: “Thank you. If I weren’t under oath, I’d return the compliment.”

  • Lawyer: “You were there until the time you left, is that true?”

  • Lawyer: “So you were gone until you returned?”

  • Lawyer: “The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?”

  • Lawyer: “Were you alone or by yourself?”

  • Lawyer: “How long have you been a French Canadian?”

  • Witness: “He was about medium height and had a beard.”
  • Lawyer: “Was this a male or a female?”

  • Lawyer: “Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you?”
  • Witness: “I went to Europe, sir.”
  • Lawyer: “And you took your new wife?”

  • Lawyer: “I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.”
  • Witness: “That’s me.”
  • Lawyer: “Were you present when that picture was taken?”

  • Lawyer: “Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?”

  • Lawyer: “Do you know how far pregnant you are now?”
  • Witness: “I’ll be three months on November 8.”
  • Lawyer: “Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?”
  • Witness: “Yes.”
  • Lawyer: “What were you doing at that time?”
  • Witness: Getting LAID! 😮 smhh…

  • Lawyer: “How many times have you committed suicide?”
  • Witness: “Four times.”

  • Lawyer: “Do you have any children or anything of that kind?”

  • Lawyer: “She had three children, right?”
  • Witness: “Yes.”
  • Lawyer: “How many were boys?”
  • Witness: “None.”
  • Lawyer: “Were there girls?”

  • Lawyer: “You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?”

  • Lawyer: “You say that the stairs went down to the basement?”
  • Witness: “Yes.”
  • Lawyer: “And these stairs, did they go up also?”

  • Lawyer: “Have you lived in this town all your life?”
  • Witness: “Not yet.”

  • Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) “Your Honor, I’d like to strike the next question.”

  • Lawyer: “Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the Rose Chapel?”
  • Witness: “It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30pm.”
  • Lawyer: “And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?”

  • Lawyer: “What is your brother-in-law’s name?”
  • Witness: “Borofkin.”
  • Lawyer: “What’s his first name?”
  • Witness: “I can’t remember.”
  • Lawyer: “He’s been your brother-in-law for years, and you can’t remember his first name?”
  • Witness: “No. I tell you, I’m too excited.” (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) “Nathan, for heaven’s sake, tell them your first name!”

  • Lawyer: “Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?”
  • Witness: “I refuse to answer that question.
  • Lawyer: “Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?”
  • Witness: “I refuse to answer that question.
  • Lawyer: “Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?”
  • Witness: “No.”

  • Lawyer: “Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?”
  • Witness: “No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.” (Not lumber, dammit!)

  • Lawyer: “What is your marital status?”
  • Witness: “Fair.”

  • Lawyer: “Are you married?”
  • Witness: “No, I’m divorced.”
  • Lawyer: “And what did your husband do before you divorced him?”
  • Witness: “A lot of things I didn’t know about.”

  • Lawyer: “And who is this person you are speaking of?”
  • Witness: “My ex-widow said it.

  • Lawyer: “How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?”
  • Witness: “Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney and said he was really good.”

  • Lawyer: “Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?”
  • Witness: “All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.”

  • Lawyer: “Were you acquainted with the deceased?”
  • Witness: “Yes sir.”
  • Lawyer: “Before or after he died?”

  • Lawyer: “Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?”
  • Witness: “No. This is how I dress when I go to work.”

  • The Court: “Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.”

  • Lawyer: “Did he pick the dog up by the ears?”
  • Witness: “No.”
  • Lawyer: “What was he doing with the dog’s ears?”
  • Witness: “Picking them up in the air.”
  • Lawyer: “Where was the dog at this time?”
  • Witness: “Attached to the ears.”

  • Lawyer: “When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?”
  • Other Lawyer: “Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.”

  • Lawyer: “And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?”
  • Witness: “Oral.”
  • Lawyer: “How old are you?”
  • Witness: “Oral.”

  • Lawyer: “What is your relationship with the plaintiff?”
  • Witness: “She is my daughter.”
  • Lawyer: “Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?”

  • Lawyer: “Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?”

  • Lawyer: “Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?”

  • Lawyer: “And what did he do then?”
  • Witness: “He came home, and next morning he was dead.”
  • Lawyer: “So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?”

  • Lawyer: “Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?”
  • Witness: “He didn’t offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture.”

  • Lawyer: “So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?”
  • Witness: “I didn’t see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.”
  • Lawyer: “It was covered?”
  • Witness: “Yes, bandaged.”
  • Lawyer: “Then, later on…what did you see?”
  • Witness: “I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.”

  • Lawyer: “Could you see him from where you were standing?”
  • Witness: “I could see his head.”
  • Lawyer: “And where was his head?”
  • Witness: “Just above his shoulders.”

  • Lawyer: “Do you drink when you’re on duty?”
  • Witness: “I don’t drink when I’m on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.”

  • Lawyer: “Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?”
  • Witness: “The victim lived.”

  • Lawyer: “The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn’t it? You too were shot in the fracas.”
  • Witness: “No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.”

  • Lawyer: “Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?”
  • Witness: “Because he was argumentary, and he couldn’t pronunciate his words.”

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