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Stress-Buster Jokes!

A plane is on its way to Toronto when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves to the first class
section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket, and then explains that since she paid for economy class she must return to her seat in the back. The woman replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto and I’m staying right here.”

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the copilot about this blonde second class passenger sitting in first class and refusing to move back to her seat. The co-pilot leaves the cockpit and tries to explain to the blonde passenger that she must go back to economy class because she didn’t pay for first class, but she insists, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto and I’m staying right here.”

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and warns him that they’d better have some policemen waiting to arrest the blonde woman because she won’t listen to reason. The pilot tells him, “I’m married to a blonde and I speak their language. I”ll try to convince her.” He leaves the cockpit, approaches the blonde passenger and whispers something in her ear. “Oh, I’m sorry!” she apologizes, gets up and immediately returns to her seat in second class.                           “What did you tell her?” the flight attendant and co-pilot ask in amazement. “I told her that first class isn’t going to Toronto,” he explained.

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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. “What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room. “Why are you down here at this time of night?”

The husband looks up, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?” he asks solemnly. The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. “Yes, I do,” she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. “Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?” “Yes, I remember,” says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues…”Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years”. “I remember that too”, she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says… “I would have been released today if I went to the jail!!”

SHARE if u get it and if you know anyone who gets stressed, help them destress with our StressBuster page. http://wp.me/PPThe-8f

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THE JOKE BELOW WILL PASS FOR THE JOKE OF THE SEASON. ENJOY IT:


 There was a man who had real problems in his family life so he decided to go and check a juju man. The juju man told him to come back in two weeks bringing along some sample of dirt from his yard. So the man went back after two weeks with the sample of dirt. The juju man performed his rituals and said to the man….I don’t know if you can handle hearing this, the man said go ahead I want to hear it. The juju man said the two boys are not your sons.Your daughter is seeing five different men and your wife is pregnant for your own brother. The man started laughing, and the juju man became curious, he asked him why he was laughing, after all this bad news. The man responded I don’t know if you can handle this; the juju man said go ahead, the man said I was running late when coming and I forgot to bring the dirty sample so I dug out some from your yard.😄😄😄.



———-Insects
A boy and his father were playing ball in the front yard when the boy saw a honey bee. He ran over and stomped it. “Don’t do that, that was a honey bee,” his father said, “he wasn’t doing anything to you. For killing him you will do without honey for a week.”

Later the boy saw a butterfly, so he ran over and stomped on it. “That was a butterfly,” his father said, “he wasn’t doing anything to you, and for killing him you will do without butter for a week.”

The next morning the family sat down for breakfast. The boy was eating his toast plain with no honey or butter. Suddenly a cockroach ran out from under the stove. His mother stomped on it.

The boy looked at his father and said, “Are you going to tell her, Dad, or should I?” 😀

Statuses we would be updating if we were in the times of Moses, Noah, Adam and Abraham:

1. Guys its scary, Lot’s wife just turned into a pillar of salt #shaking# :s
2.Pffft! Mary…Cant believe she still singing the “I’m a virgin” song but she preg. Gosh some girls tho #rollingEyes#
3. Pimping my camel, Jerusalem here I come.. B-)
4. Just chilling in first class at Noah’s ark, the view here is fantastic.. But these Lions keep staring at me…#Noah’s voyage
5. The red sea just parted before my eyes #shocked4Days#
6. Judas Iscariot is such a backstabber! Can’t trust your friends anymore!(n)
7. Chilling with Moses by Mt Sinai. Omg! some miracles going on here..:O
8. Eve and hubby got banished, they ate the forbidden fruit. I mean who does that? #smh#
9. Jacob’s status: Things we do for love, cant believe I served her father for 14 years just to get her. Love u Rachel<3 :*
10. Some people are so cruel..Hey Cain, how do u kill your own brother? #RIP Abel
11. One of Jesus’ disciples post: What a long day.. Walking and preaching the gospel. Now chilling with my bruthaz. These guys are funny..(LLP) Laughing Like Pharaoh =D

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Hilarious School lines

Very Very Funny.. Must Read..
A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!

“You need to use ‘Grown-Up’ words,” she was always reminding them.

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. “I went to visit my Nana.” “No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use ‘Grown-Up’ words!”

She then asked Mitchell what he had done. “I took a ride on a choo-choo.” She said “No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use ‘Grown-Up’ words.”

She then asked little Alec what he had done. “I read a book,” he replied. “That’s WONDERFUL!” the teacher said. “What book did you read?”

Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, “Winnie the SHIT.”

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TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, “School Ahead, Go Slow.”

TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication On the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!

TEACHER: John, how do you spell “crocodile?”
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L”
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
JOHN: Maybe its wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it’s H to O!

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!

TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WILLIE: Me!

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with “I.”
ELLEN: I is…
TEACHER: No, Ellen….. Always say, “I am.”
ELLEN: All right… “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”

TEACHER: “Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?”
JOHNNY: “Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time.”
TEACHER: “George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn’t punish him?”
JOHNNY: “Because George still had the axe in his hand.”
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One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.

“So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” they ask. “It’s pretty nice,” she replies. “Except they won’t let you fart.”
Pr0-Democracy Day Special***
There was a group of women gathered at a seminar on “How to live in a Loving Relationship with your Husband“. The women were asked, ‘How many of you love your husbands?’ All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, ‘When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?’ Some women answered Today, some Yesterday, some didn’t remember….

The women were then told to take their cell phones and send the following simple text to their respective husbands: “I love you, sweetheart”. Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text messages.

Here are some of the replies: 1. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick? 2. What now? Did you crash the car again? 3. I don’t understand what you mean? 4. What did you do now? I won’t forgive you this time!!! 5. ?!? 6. Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need? 7. Am I dreaming? ??????? 8. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, you will die today…!!! 9. I asked you not to drink anymore!! …and the winning response that cracked everyone’s ribs came from No. 10…. “Who is this?!!”

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An angry wife to her husband (Akpos) on phone.laughwork
Wife: Where the hell are you?
Akpos: Honey, you remember that gold shop where you saw the diamond necklace & totally fell in love with it?
Wife (relaxed): Yes, my king
Akpors:Remember I had no cash to buy it for you that day & I said I will buy it for you one day?
Wife (totally relaxed with a smile & a blush): Yes I remember my love!
Akpors: Good, I am in a beer parlour next to that shop!

The Bathtub Test
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, “How do you
determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home.”
“Well,” he said, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” I said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”
“No,” he said. “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”

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A conversation between JUDE and EMEKA:

JUDE: Emeka. Please, give me your phone, I want to call my girlfriend. I don’t have calling credit in mine.

EMEKA: (hands phone to Jude) No problem, but be quick with the call.
JUDE: Thanks a lot! (He dials girlfriend’s number, makes a quick phone call and then returns happy and excited)

JUDE: O boy, this your phone na correct phone oh, wetin be the name?

EMEKA: Yes oh, na blackberry smart phone.

JUDE: Kai, no wonder dem dey call am ‘smart phone’. The phone sabi no be small. Do you believe, when I typed and dialled my girlfriend’s number on your phone, it showed the number as ‘My love’. How did your phone know that I’m calling my girlfriend?

One word for JUDE? 😀

5 MANAGEMENT LESSONS


Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel. ” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies.
“Great,” the husband says, “did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says,”I’ll give each of you just one wish.”
“Me first! Me first!” says the admin clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Puff! She’s gone.”Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Puff! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 3
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing?” The eagle answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 4
A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.”
“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. They’re packed with nutrients.”
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: BullShit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

Lesson 5
A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:IMG_0534
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

END OF MANAGEMENT COURSE

MARKETING CONCEPTS FOR DUMMIES

A young Professor at a lecture at an Ivy League conference in Boston won global acclaim with her succinct and accurate ability to explain marketing concepts to Students from all backgrounds, in a way they all instantly ‘got it’. See below.

1 You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: “I am very rich. Marry me!” – That’s Direct Marketing

2 You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: “He’s very rich. Marry him.” – That’s Advertising

3 You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her Telephone number. The next day, you call and say: “Hi, I’m very rich. Marry me.” – That’s Telemarketing

4 You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car) for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and then say: By the way, I’m rich. Will you marry me?” – That’s Public Relations

5 You’re at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says: You are very rich! Can you marry me?” – That’s Brand Recognition

6 You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: I am very rich. Marry me!” She lands a hot n’hard slap on your face. – That’s Customer Feedback

7 You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: “I am very rich. Marry me!” And she introduces you to her husband. – That’s Demand and Supply gap

8 You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say anything, another person walks up and tells her: “I’m rich. Will you marry me?” and she goes with him – That’s Competition eating into your market share

9 You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say: “I’m rich, Marry me!”, your wife arrives. – That’s Restriction from entering new markets !

END OF MARKETING COURSE

VERY IMPORTANT NOTICE TO ALL EMPLOYEES
Company Policy: Effective from October 2010
Dress Code: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days: We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Annual Leave Days: Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
Toilet Use: Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the chronic offenders category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company’s mental health policy.
Lunch Break: Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation’s, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Regards,
Management

With gratitude to Human Resources for their creative insights.

THE “OTHER” EFFECTS OF ALCOHOL IN THE WORK PLACE

Increasing efficiency in the workplace has always been topmost on the minds of organizations, executives, Human Resources and OD experts. The result of a study carried out in workplaces has revealed a new method of achieving this with ease. The research study recommendation is effective, great and yet simple. Just serve alcohol.IMG_0534

Here are five reasons to support their hypothesis and findings:

FIVE REASONS ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED @ WORK;

  1. It is an incentive to show up.
  2. It reduces stress.
  3. It leads to more honest communication; employees tell management what they really think and not what management wants to hear.
  4. It increases satisfaction because if you have a bad job and/or Boss – you don’t care.
  5. It eliminates holidays, because people would rather come to work.
THINK YOU’RE HAVING A BAD DAY ….

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and facemask. A post-mortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries.

Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully-clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fires quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.

You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air.

Some days it just doesn’t pay to get out of bed…. 😦 Still think you’re having a bad day?

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors. His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.

While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet. After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched. As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, tipping the stretcher and dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm. Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse…

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a bad day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman. 😀 Ouch!!! 😀

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.

What!!!! STILL having a bad day??

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn’t pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with “Return to Sender” stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. Talk about Karma…wtf2

There now, feeling better? 😀

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, ‘Relatives of yours?’
‘Yep,’ the wife replied, ‘in-laws.’

W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day…30,000 to a man’s 15,000. The wife replied, ‘The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men…The husband then turned to his wife and asked, ‘What?’

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, ‘I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. ‘ The wife responded, “Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!”

Parents educating their kids! 😦

A family was at the dinner table. Son asked his father—‘ Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there??
Surprised father answered– ‘Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:? In her 20’s, a woman’s are like melons🍈, round and firm? In her 30’s to 40’s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit? After 50, they are like onions’?
Son–‘Onions?’?’ Father—Yes, you see them and they make you cry’?

This made his wife and daughter mad.
So the daughter said–Mom, how many kinds of ‘penises’ are there??
The mother smiled and answered– ‘Well dear, a man goes through three phases.?In his 20’s, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard? In his 30’s and 40’s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable?
After his 50’s, it is like a Christmas Tree.’?
Daughter-A Christmas tree?
Mom-‘Yes – the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration.

Ekaete, the househelp

Ekaete, a house help in VGC, lagos asked 4 a pay increase. D madam was upset about this and decided 2 talk her about d raise of pay dat was requested. she asked: now Ekaete, why do u feel u deserve an increase?
Ekaete: well, ma’am 3 reasons y I want d increase.
Ekaete:D 1st one, I dey iron beta than u!
Madam: who said u iron beta than me?
Ekaete: ur husband say so!
Madam: oh!.
Ekaete: 2nd reason: I can cook beta than u.
Madam: nonsense, who said u were a better cook dan me?.
Ekaete: ur husband again.
Madam: oh!.
Ekaete: 3rd reason is dat I am beta in bed than u,
Madam: really,(now furious nd agitated) my husband said dat as well?
Ekaete: no madam, ur husband’s best frd senator Andrew told me dat I was better in bed than U! Even Oga!!!
Madam: Ekaete baby!! How much did u say u wanted again alakoba ??

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight..
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, ‘Please wake me at 5:00 AM.’
He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM. And he had missed his flight.. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, ‘It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.’
Tsk tsk… Men are not equipped for this kind of contest. 😀

God may have created man before woman,
But there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

THIS STUDENT OBTAINED 0% IN AN EXAM EVEN THOUGH HE DIDN’T ANSWER ANY QUESTION WRONGLY, Hmmh!

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
… A: His last battle
Q2: Where was the declaration of Independence … signed?
A: at the bottom of the page. Q3: River Kanji flows in which state?
A : liquid
Q4: What is the main reason for failure? A: Exams
Q5: What is the main reason for divorce? A: Marriage
Q6: What can you never eat for breakfast? A: Lunch & dinner
Q7: What looks like half an apple? A: the other half
Q8: If you throw a red stone into the blue sea, what will it become? A: It will simply become wet
Q9: How can a man go eight days without sleeping? A: No problem, he sleeps only at night.
Q10: How can you lift an elephant with one hand? A: you will never find an elephant that has only one hand
Q11: If you had 3 apples and 4 oranges in one hand and 4 apples and 3 oranges in other hand, what would you have?
A: Very large hands.
Q12: If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
A: No time at all, the wall is already built.
Q13: How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A: Anyway you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

– A female teacher,was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd Grade class. The boy said ‘M’am, I should b in 4th grade, I’m smarter than my sis & she’s in the 4th grade’. The Ma’am {Teacher} had heard enough of his complaints & took him to the Principal’s office. She explained everything to the Principal who decided to test the boy with some questions that a 4th grade should know. Principal: What’s 3+3? Boy: 6 Principal: 6+6? Boy: 12 & so on.. The Principal asked the boy many questions and the boy got them right. The Principal then asked Ma’am to send the boy to the 4th grade. M’am decided to ask some more questions & the Principal agreed.

M’am: What does a cow have 4 of,that I’ve only 2 of? Boy: Legs

M’am: What’s in your pants that u have but I don’t have? Boy: Pockets

M’am: What starts with a C & ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious & contains thin whitish liquid? Boy: Coconut

M’am: What goes in hard & pink then comes out soft & sticky? The principal’s eyes open really wide,but b4 he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge. Boy: Bubble Gum

M’am: U stick ur poles inside me. U tie me down 2 get me up, I get wet b4 u do. What am I? Boy: Tent. The principal was looking restless..

M’am: A finger goes in me. U fiddle with me when u’re bored. The best man always has me 1st ♌ what am I? Boy: Wedding Ring

M’am: I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When u blow me,u feel good? Boy: Nose

M’am: I’ve a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates,I come with a quiver Boy:Arrow

M’am: What starts with ‘F’ & ends with a ‘K’ & if u don’t get it, you have to use your hand? Boy:Fork

M’am: Whats it that all men have,it’s longer in some men than others,the Pope doesn’t use his & a man gives it 2 his wife after marriage? Boy: Surname

M’am: What part of the man has no bone,but has muscles with a lot of veins pumping & is responsible for making love? Boy: Heart

The principal breathed a sigh of relief & told the teacher:- ‘Send the boy to University!”

Psst! I KNOW YOU FAILED THEM ALL! LOL!!!

==========

– A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ”Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ”The driver just insulted me!” The man says: ”You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

– A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ”Shut up…you’re next!”

– A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they’re at sea for so long. “Let me show you,” says the captain. He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there’s a solitary barrel with a hole in it. “This’ll be the best sex you’ll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I’ll give you some privacy.”

– The recruit doesn’t quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway. After he finishes up, the captain returns. “Wow! That was the best sex I’ve ever had! I want to do it every day!” “Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday.” “Why not Thursday?” “That’s your day in the barrel.” 😮 😀

– A farmer has three daughters who all have dates tonight.
The doorbell rings and the farmer answers it, the boy says,”Hello i’m Joe, i’m here for Flo, we are going to the show, is she ready to go?” so she comes down and leaves w/ Joe.

The doorbell rings again and the boy says,”hello i’m eddy, i’m here for Betty, we’re going to eat spaghetti, is she ready?” and so they leave together.

The doorbell rings a third time and the boy says,”hello my name is Chuck…” before he could finish, the farmer shot him!

– Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says: “Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: “OK, now what?”

– Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What’s the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

– An elderly couple goes to Burger King and shares their fries and burger. A trucker sitting next to them offers to pay for the old lady. “It’s all right,” says the old man. “We always share everything.” On seeing that the old lady has not eaten anything, the trucker once again makes an offer. The old man once again assures the trucker to stay calm and resumes eating. Finally, the trucker asks the lady about not eating anything. The old lady replies, ” I am waiting for the teeth”.
A man in conversation with his friend says that his wife is on a 3-week diet. The friend curiously asks, how much has she lost? The man replies, “Two weeks”.

– A man visits his Chinese friend in a hospital. “Li kai yang qi guan,” says the Chinese friend. The man doesn’t understand a single word and becomes desperate about what to say next. “Li kai yang qi guan!” says the patient, as his face becomes red. After a few weeks, the man goes on a business tour of China. There he learns the meaning of “Li kai yang qi guan”: “Get off my oxygen tube.” Doctor: Did you try sleeping as per my advice with the window open?
Patient: Yes! Doctor: Has the problem of asthma been solved?
Patient: No doctor, but all of my gadgets have disappeared.

– A sign on Washington’s Route 8, featuring an illustration of a police car with lights flashing reads, “If you drink and drive, we’ll provide the chasers.” ~ Joann Berntsen

– According to a news story, if global warming continues, in 20 years the only chance we’ll have to see a polar bear is in a zoo. So in other words, nothing is going to change. ~ Arthur Carlson

– At the busy dental office where I work, one patient was always late. Once, when I called to confirm an appointment, he said, “I’ll be about 15 minutes late. That won’t be a problem, will it?” “No,” I told him. “We just won’t have time to give you an anesthetic.” He arrived early.
– Moses was walking down a street when he bumped into George W. Bush. “Hello,” said Bush. “Nice weather we’re having, huh?” Moses took one look at the President, turned, and ran in the other direction. The next day Moses was walking down the same street and there was Bush. Again he tried to initiate a conversation. Again Moses turned and ran away. Bush was tired of this bizarre treatment, so the next time Moses ran away from him, Bush followed. When he caught up, he asked Moses what was wrong. Moses said, “The last time I talked to a bush I spent 40 years in the desert.” Don Nguyen

– A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a Schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat.” “Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?”, suggested the collie. “I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.” ~ L. B.Weinstein

– A man while walking in a graveyard hears the Third Symphony being played backwards. When it’s over, the Second Symphony starts playing, also backwards, and then the First. “What’s going on?”, he asks a cemetery worker. “It’s Beethoven,” says the worker. “He’s decomposing.” ~ Jeremy Hone

– Every ten years, monks in a monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.” Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.” It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.” “I’m not surprised,” says the head monk. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”

– A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner. DAD: Son, where were you today during school hours? SON: At school. *robot slaps son* SON: OK, I went to the movies! DAD: Which one? SON: Toy Story. *robot slaps son again* SON: OK, it was Day with a Pornstar. DAD: WHAT? When I was your age I didn’t even know what porn was! *robot slaps dad* MOM: HAHA! After all he is your son *robot slaps mom*

– A lady goes to her priest one day and confesses, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.” What do they say?” the priest inquires curiously. The woman blushes as she explains that the two female birds repeat the same phrase over and over: “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?” That’s obscene!” the priest exclaims. After a few moments of deliberation, however, he offers a solution. “You know,” he says, “I have two male parrots, very devout birds, whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your female parrots to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship and speak in a more appropriate manner.” “Thank you,” the woman responds, “this may very well be the solution.” The next day, she brings her two female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushers her in, she sees his two male parrots inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walks over and places her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female birds cry out in unison: “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?” There is a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, “Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!”

– A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a Harley Davidson motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?” The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix ’em, put ’em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?” The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic… “Try doing it with the engine running”.

– On Sunday, a gang went into a church and started closing windows and doors..They told the congregation that they were going to kill everyone but in alphabetical order. They went to the Rev. What is your name?

Rev: Zoseph Zmith. “Lucky you, they said. Next! Mr. Pianist, what’s your name?”

Pianist: my name is Zemanuel Zwilliams, but one of the ushers over there is Abigail Ann..

You lying bastard,the usher replied. My name is Zzzabigail Zzzan.

=============================================================================

ENGINEER IN HELL
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says “Ah, you’re an engineer… You’re in the wrong place.” So the engineer reports to the gates of Hell and is let in. Pretty soon the engineer becomes dissatisfied with
the level of comfort in Hell, so he begins designing and building improvements. After a short while all of Hell has air conditioning, flushing toilets, and escalators. And the engineer has become a pretty popular guy in Hell.
A couple of month’s later God calls Satan and says, “So, how’s it going down in Hell?”
Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We now have air conditioning, flushing toilets, and escalators. Why, there’s no telling what my engineer will come up with next.”
God replies “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake, he never should have gotten down there… Send him back immediately.”
Satan says “No way. It’s nice having an engineer on my staff. I’m keeping him.”
God screams back, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue!!!”
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. AND JUST WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO FIND A LAWYER?”

===============================================================================

HELP DESK WOES

A customer couldn’t get on the Internet:

Helpdesk: “Are you sure you used the right password?” Customer: “Yes I’m sure. I saw my colleague do it.”

Helpdesk: “Can you tell me what the password was?” Customer: “Five stars.”

______

Helpdesk: “What kind of computer do you have?”

Customer: “A white one.”

______

Customer: “Hi, this is Rose. I can’t get my diskette out.”

Helpdesk: “Have you tried pushing the button?”

Customer: “Yes, sure, it’s really stuck.”

Helpdesk: “That doesn’t sound good; I’ll make a note.”

Customer: “No… wait a minute… I hadn’t inserted it yet… it’s still on my desk… Sorry…”

______

Helpdesk: “Click on the ‘My Computer’ icon on to the left of the screen.”

Customer: “Your left or my left?”

______

Helpdesk: “Good day. How may I help you?” Male customer: “Hello, I can’t print.”

Helpdesk: “Would you click on start for me and…” Customer: “Listen pal; don’t start getting technical on me! I’m not Bill Gates, you know!”

______________________

Customer: “Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can’t print. Every time I try, it says, ‘Can’t find printer’. I’ve even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can’t find it.”

______

Customer: “I have problems printing in red.” Helpdesk: “Do you have a color printer?” Customer: “Aaaah… Thank you.”

______

Customer: “My keyboard is not working anymore.” Helpdesk: “Are you sure it’s plugged into the computer?”

Customer: “No. I can’t get behind the computer.” Helpdesk: “Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.”

Customer: “Okay.” Helpdesk: “Did the keyboard come with you?”

Customer: “Yes.” Helpdesk: “That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?”

Customer: “Yes, there’s another one here. Ahh, that one works!”

______

Helpdesk: “Your password is the small letter ‘a’ as in apple, a capital letter ‘V’ as in Victor, and the number ‘7’.”

Customer: “Is that ‘7’ in capital letters?”

______

Helpdesk: “What anti-virus program do you use?”

Customer: “Netscape.”

Helpdesk: “That’s not an anti-virus program.”

Customer: “Oh, sorry… Internet Explorer.”

______

Customer: “I have a huge problem. A friend has put a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!”

______

Helpdesk: “How may I help you?”

Customer: “I’m writing my first e-mail.”

Helpdesk: “Okay, and what seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “Well, I have the letter ‘a’ in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?”

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One comment on “Stress-Buster Jokes!

  1. OMG! These jokes are too funny! Sharing now now… Thanks for putting these together. More grease to your elbows. Pls keep up the good work!

    Like

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